


After the Storm

by october_rain17



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure! Dan, It's kind of dark and sad fair warning, M/M, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 18:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/october_rain17/pseuds/october_rain17
Summary: Dan survived the car crash, but he has to relive it every night in his nightmares. Luckily, he has Phil to comfort him.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	After the Storm

Dan let the water run as he studied his reflection in the mirror. It was dark in the bathroom, the only light he had from the crack under the door. They left harsh yellow glares across the double vanity.

Even in the dark, he could see the butt of the toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and his mussed hair sticking up from his head. What he couldn't see were the deep crow's feet that lined his tired eyes, the anemic bruises that always bloomed on his skin from the lightest touch, his scrawny frame that was hidden by a baggy T-shirt. 

Here, in the dark, he caught a glimpse of what Phil seemed to see on him. His rough edges smoothed over by shadow, his flaws hidden beneath layers of fabric, he could almost see why Phil kept him around.

His aesthetic imperfections didn't compare to what he was really hiding. His hands always shook, his breath was always too short. Any loud noise sent him spiraling into a panic.

He hadn't driven since the accident, and walking everywhere left his bones jutting and his face gaunt. In the last few weeks, Phil would wrap his left hand around Dan's wrist and frown. The number of times Phil had decided it was a takeout night or baked desserts out of the blue couldn't be a coincidence.

None of it helped. The crash had left his insides mangled, and it just was bleeding through to the surface.

"Dan?" Phil called from outside over the sound of covers rustling.

Dan took the handle of the toothbrush and spit into the sink. "Coming," he answered, cupping his hands beneath the water to splash his face and wash the sharp mint taste from his tongue.

He hesitated at the door, his hand trembling over the knob. Sleep already fogged his mind, and he didn't think he could take another nightmare. Maybe he could keep his eyes open all night, stay here instead of returning to the highway. One peaceful night, that was all he wanted.

"Dan?" Phil called again, and Dan finally pushed forward into the room. He just had to hope he wouldn't scream tonight. Phil at least deserved to rest easily.

Phil laid on his side facing Dan, his arm stretched out over the empty space in front of him. The white light of the TV drew out the shadows between each of his fingers, lighting up the pale skin of his slender knuckles. "C'mere," he mumbled, a lazy grin on his face, his fingers twitching as if beckoning Dan.

He crept into bed, tensing as Phil's arm wrapped around him. It didn't take long for him to ease into the embrace, coaxed by the steady rhythm of Phil's breathing. He didn't deserve this, to feel so safe and warm, but he couldn't help it. He seemed to sink as the night went on, falling farther and farther into the comfort of Phil Lester.

Until he actually fell.

Dan didn't notice as their bed slowly changed like melting wax. The plush mattress slowly hardened into vinyl, the warmth of the duvet became the sun streaming in through the windshield.

Dan's eyes fixed on the road in front of him, darkened by the tint of his sunglasses. The windows were down, summer wind whipped about them. Phil shouted something over the breeze but the words got lost.

He couldn't remember where they were going, in the dream or in real life. Every detail, dates, names, locations, all of it was put on a shelf just out of reach in his head when it hit the windshield.

The highway they were on overlooked a lake on one side, a shimmery haze of blue beyond the steel barrier that kept them from diving in. The colors were softer, the lights brighter, and everything just a little bit hazy.

"Dan!" Phil yelled, snapping him back to the road.

Dan reached for the switch to roll the windows up then turned to Phil. His pale skin was flushed with pink with the beginning of a sunburn, and the roots of his hair were ginger where the black dye didn't reach. Phil couldn't keep track of anything to save his life, and his most recent pair of sunglasses were long gone, leaving him squinting at Dan.

"We need to talk about this," he insisted.

"Not right now." Dan didn't know where the word came from, but they spilled from his mouth every night. When he woke up he didn't even remember what they'd been fighting about.

"Dan." Phil rested his hand on the dashboard, rapping his knuckles on the wood. "I'm serious."

Dan shifted the car into manual, then flicked the shift into the next gear. "Chris was right about you," he mumbled, just loud enough for Phil to make out the words.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dan never heard Phil yell, but now it rang in his ears louder than the rumbling of the engine. Even in the dream the sound was cutting. 

"It means we never should've done this!" Were these truly the words that were almost his last? Maybe his subconscious mind soaked up everything from that ride to torture him, or maybe it just filled in the details with something it knew would hurt. 

It didn't matter. The dreams would still be here night after night, and he'd still have to watch himself drift into the other lane as the driver's side crumpled against the cab of a semi-truck.

Dan was still in his seat, the concave front of the car crushing his body and squeezing the air from his lungs as Phil flew forward into the windshield. Above the deafening clash of metal and skidding of tires, he could hear a shattering sound, could see Phil's hand breaking through the glass. 

The ribbons of pale skin between the gashes on his hand were soon covered by blood, like a tide rising over the sand. The screech that tore from his throat as he tried to jerk his hand away, just sinking the jagged teeth of broken glass deeper was the only sound. He tried to turn away, but his cheek met metal, keeping his head in line to stare at Phil.

The dream always froze here. Phil, bloody, struggling, and trapped. And Dan powerless to do anything about it.

Tonight it was merciful, though. Sometimes he had to watch for hours, but he snapped awake after only a few minutes, a few more of Phil's screams tearing through him. 

He sat straight up, a hysteric wheeze climbing into his throat. The TV was off now, leaving him hyperventilating in total darkness. He clutched the blanket and tried to count to four. To seven. To eight. It didn't work, his breath wouldn't slow. They were too quick, too shallow. He would suffocate.

He reached beside him to make sure he hadn't woken Phil, but only found empty sheets. They were cool to the touch. His skin was alight with static as reached farther, as he felt the empty air on the other side of the mattress.

Phil was gone. 

Before he could stop it, his stuttered breath turned into a retching sob. His stomach twisted like a tourniquet, threatening to split him cleanly in two. 

Was this still a dream? He could barely remember the last few months, find the line between night and day. Phil was in bed earlier that night, but did it happen? Or was it part of the twisted nightmare?

Did Phil even survive the crash?

Another heave rattled through him at the thought. A gravestone stood in his mind's eye, with his love's name etched into the gray. Was he imagining or remembering?

The door creaked open and Dan gulped a startled breath. The bright end of a cigarette burned a red circle through the darkness. It grew brighter and faded with a breath.

The light flicked on, stinging Dan's swollen eyes. Phil stood in the doorway, jaw slack, smoke billowing from his open mouth. He blinked, once, twice.

"I thought you quit," Dan choked. He brought the hem of his shirt to his face to wipe away the hot tears. Nothing was wrong, he knew that now, but he still couldn't steady himself. He was shivering, and he clenched his teeth to keep them still.

"Holy shit, Dan, what's wrong?" Asked Phil, rushing forward. He took one last drag then threw the cigarette in a water cup on the nightstand, and crawled over Dan to sit on the bed. Another cloud of smoke unfurled from his lips as he pulled Dan into his chest.

Dan bit his tongue and held his breath to suppress the shuddering. "Just nightmares," he said, the tremor returning as soon as he did.

Phil rested his head on Dan's shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. His nose was cold against Dan's feverish skin.

"I get it," Phil mumbled, lips brushing the top of Dan's collarbone. He tightened his hold, and Dan couldn't help but compare it to the feeling of metal caving in on him. "Sometimes when I close my eyes, all I can see is the glass."

Another sob he was trying to choke down tore through him. Phil ran fingers through his hair, mumbled comforts in his ear. He shuddered as he cried, trying to get his breath under control so he could say the words that were trapped in his throat.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed to croak.

Phil pulled away but cupped Dan's cheek. Only the calloused heel and fingertips met his skin. "It wasn't your fault," he said, his eyes flicking to focus on different parts of Dan's face.

He must be seeing it now. Here, in the light, with Dan's face pink and swollen from crying, he must be seeing all the flaws. All of his broken insides seeping up to the surface, leaving cracks and fissures in his skin. 

"I almost killed you." He hated himself for crying, for being so damaged. It was his fault this had happened, he didn't deserve to be held like this. What he deserved was to be cased in his cocoon of metal forever, or be scraped off the highway like roadkill. 

"Dan, it's okay." His voice was so soft, almost a whisper, almost a plea. 

And then Dan started to see them, as if he were staring into a mirror. There were shadows in Phil's pale skin, and his eyelids were stained with the color of bruise. Dan wondered how many nights Phil spent awake, returning to his old cigarette habit. 

"Phil," he mumbled, reaching for the hand that brushed his face. He guided it away and laced their fingers. Phil tried to bend his around Dan's, but they stuttered halfway. Phil was just as broken as he was, he just hadn't noticed it yet. 

Dan had done this to him. "I'm so sorry," he said again, shuddering. "You didn't deserve this."

Phil sighed as he pulled his hand away, leaning back against the headboard. He stared at the ceiling for a long moment, lips parted as if he was about to speak but couldn't find the words. "Neither did you," he said finally.

Dan blinked at him. Dan was behind the wheel, and Phil had to pay for it just because he was in the passenger seat. Phil gulped, and Dan watched the muscles in his neck tense. 

Phil's neck rolled to face Dan, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "But it happened, and we survived. Now we have to survive everything that comes after." His eyes fell then flicked back as he brushed his black hair away from his face. 

"And I need you." He leaned on Dan, letting the weight of his head sink into his shoulder. "Just promise me you'll be there, okay?" The words vibrated.

Dan had done this, and both of them were withering. But that moment of terror when he felt the empty bed, the flash of grief when he couldn't pick out what was nightmare and what was real, he couldn't take it. He'd been walking on the edge for months, and those few seconds were nearly enough to push him the final step. 

It was selfish of him, but if it kept Phil by his side, he'd agree to anything. He couldn't lose his lifeline. 

"I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please leave kudos if you can, it helps me a lot! Always feel free to leave constructive criticism, I always want to get better, and anime recommendations cause I'm always looking for good shows.


End file.
